Board Thread:New on Kancolle Wiki/@comment-25637142-20150131171807/@comment-25534439-20150207144106

Since this list became obnoxiously long winded around the second hour of typing it up, I've gone through the article and added all the minor items that didn't require sentence rewrites.

Okay, second round of thoughts, it's much improved currently, but my grammar nazi is kicking in:

Introduction

Second paragraph flows poorly, consider rewording to: "Once expeditions have been unlocked after Quest A4, most expeditions need to be unlocked by completing other expeditions." Whether the mention of A4 should be in the introduction, the Unlocking section, or both I leave up to you. The same holds for the mention that expeditions can be repeated indefinitely.

Unlocking an Expedition

Aside from what's mentioned above, this seems fine.

Sending a Fleet on an Expedition

Consider adding the link to the Reference Expedition Tables at the top here, something like "For a full listing of expeditions, rewards, and requirements, see (tables)". It's fine that it's referenced under the Related Links footer, but the tables are the primary thing I use the current Expedition page for and this should ease the transition somewhat.

"However, an expedition can only be attempted once at any given moment." Not sure 'attempted' is the correct word, but I can't think of a proper rephrasing.

"... for the bubble indicating an expedition has returned..." Zel, you're a forgetful melon.

Recalling an Expedition

First paragraph feels stilted, how about: "In the event the wrong fleet was accidentally sent on expedition, it is possible to cancel the expedition with an "Expedition Recall". "

then reword the first sentence of the next paragraph to: "While an expedition canceled in this manner yields no resources, rewards, or experience, it saves time."

This gets the point across that the expedition can be recalled in the first paragraph, while containing the reasoning and consequences to the second paragraph.

Success Conditions/Ratings and Rewards

"each of which has different resources, experiences and item rewards yield ratios."

Ouch, what a mess, how about: "each of which has different resource, experience, and item reward yields."?

The formula for the landing craft does not match the description. With an Initial value of 200, the formula returns 205, 210, 215, and 220 with 1, 2, 3, and 4 LCs, which does not match the description of 5% per LC up to 20%. I suspect the "(Initial * 0.5)" is the culprit and the full formula should be : Final = Initial + (Initial * 0.05 * n). This could also be simplified to: Final = Initial * (1 + 0.05 * n), if you prefer.

Normal Success

(Bullet list) consider bolding CAN vs CANNOT to add emphasis, since they're in the same list.

Great Success

"It grants 50% additional resources, double the experience, and any applicable great success item reward." flows better, doesn't require another comma.

"2. There exists one of the Great Success factors:" Flows better.

Support Expedition

"Sparkling your ships (mainly flagship) increases the probability to trigger support and vice versa." ... Vice versa what? The probability to trigger support increases the sparkling of your ships? _(:з」∠)_

...Ooi that's a list. Even cutting out the minor ones left all that. Blast.